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Thursday, October 30, 2014

BREAKING: Catholic Answers Becomes “Cosmic Answers!”

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Karl Keating Karl Keating
(Editor's Note: Allium-Cepa is Latin for onion. The Remnant's sister "news" organization is A-CNN-- Allium-Cepa News Network. Attention humor-challenged Neo-Catholic friends: You might want to Google ‘The Onion’ if you still don’t get it. MJM)

(A-CNN) Today, in a surprise move, Karl Keating announced plans to completely overhaul his Neo-Catholic apologetics apostolate Catholic Answers. The plans were announced on Keating’s Facebook page and can be read below:

Greetings to my 4,926 Facebook friends! Let me start by saying that what you are about to read will come as a shock to you.  However, after countless hours of reflecting and praying during my various hiking trips across the globe (see HERE, HERE, HERE, HERE, and HERE), I have come to the following startling realization.  

I have decided that Catholic Answers’ work is now done. Yes, you heard me correctly. When I started this apostolate in 1979 I wanted to defend the Faith against the errors of Protestantism, win converts, and help build the Catholic Church into a thriving, fruitful, invigorated institution. Well, nearly 35 years later I can truly say, “Mission Accomplished!”

The Church is now running like a well-oiled machine, the Vatican II implementation having gone swimmingly. All around us there are signs of life. For instance, the Nashville Dominicans are a very orthodox young order of nuns who are doing quite well and whose order is increasing. But this new revival is not just limited to the United States.

For instance, just last week, during my vacation to Nepal, a Sherpa guiding me on a Himalayan hike told me he was considering the priesthood. According to my research there were 67 priests in Nepal in 2010.  Thus, if this young man actually becomes a priest (and assuming none of the 67 priests existing there in 2010 have since left, died, become formal heretics, or apostatized) this means, at minimum, a 1.49% increase in the number of priests in Nepal alone! 

But that’s not all. A few years ago, after hiking down Mt. Kilimanjaro, I assisted at a bongo Mass in Bomang’ombe Church of the Holy Family. Afterwards, at the coffee and donut hour, I asked the assistant priest there, Fr. Simon Ngawio, if his parish wouldn’t mind donating to Catholic Answers. In exchange, I offered him a signed copy of Sex Au Naturel by magician and Catholic Answers Live host Patrick Coffin. After a polite refusal, we started talking about his parish.

Admittedly, the conversation was difficult, as Fr. Ngawio didn’t speak fluent English. He did, however, make a pointing motion towards the door. As I opened the door, I looked outside and saw a fascinating new construction project. It seems the parish was adding on at least one classroom to their modest religious education building! When I turned back around the door was somehow locked. Sadly, Fr. Ngawio must suffer from some sort of hearing loss, as he did not respond to my repeated knocking to reenter.

Nevertheless, the point of my story is that the Church in Africa is expanding and obviously on fire for the Gospel. Their devotion to Catholic education, evidenced by the construction of a new classroom is simply the latest sign of life in the modern Church that is bursting out in areas of the world you’ve probably never heard of. In fact, if you’ve never heard of a place, chances are the Catholic Church is thriving there.

In addition, did I mention the Nashville Dominicans?

In any case, it is obvious that the current Church needs no further help from Catholic Answers. I honestly can’t find a single thing to critique about the current state of the Church. One night, in an Internet café in Bangladesh, as I sat sipping my cha (that’s milky sweet tea for those of you not well travelled) I literally racked my brain trying to think of some malady or confusion or error in the Church I could assist in rectifying. None came to mind. Therefore, I instead wrote Facebook posts against the dangers of reading the Remnant Newspaper (see HERE and HERE) and Louie Verrecchio (see HERE) and composed a touching tribute to a half-dead bird I unsuccessfully tried to nurse back to health (see HERE)

Nevertheless, even though we are not currently experiencing any difficulties in the Church, there is still a serious danger out there that must be fought against at all costs. In fact, this one danger is larger than any danger the Church, nay, the world, has ever faced. What is that danger? Geocentrism!

What is geocentrism you ask? I hesitate to even say it. It is the absurd idea that the earth may actually be the center point of the universe. This idea is, of course, patently ridiculous and no rational person could ever subscribe to it or be persuaded by it. It is only even considered as a possibility by the mentally ill, glue sniffers, and lobotomy patients. So why do I spend so much time posting about in on Facebook while ignoring most other things in the Church, you ask?

Well, because some particularly misguided souls have actually produced a movie espousing it called “The Principle.” For some reason this irritates me. I mean, it really irritates me. It irritates me more than a thigh rash I once got while hiking up the Aconcagua. In fact, I can still remember the first day I saw a promotion about this movie.  I had just arrived in Tokyo Japan and was dining on some Kaiseki cuisine.  I clicked past headlines about Pope Francis saying “Who am I to judge?,” Cardinal Maradiaga saying Modernism needs to be rehabilitated, and Cardinal Kasper saying adulterous unions were okay. Then, right after scrolling past an article about Pope Francis’ tango Mass while Cardinal in Argentina, I saw it shining there in all of its heretical and dangerous glory. An ad that said, “The Principle: Are you Significant?”

Ever since that day I have waged a personal war on this horrific movie and its producers, Bob Sungenis and Rick DeLano on Facebook (see HERE, HERE, HERE,  HERE, HERE, HERE, HERE, HERE, HERE, HERE, HERE, HERE and HERE.) But I think it’s now time to expand that battle. This is why I have decided to transform Catholic Answers into “Cosmic Answers!” A full time apostolate refuting geocentrism and other scientific errors. Why? Because geocentrism is the worst danger of our time. After all, if we don’t know our correct positioning in the universe, how can we possibly expect to know anything else? How can we possibly baptize the aliens Pope Francis wants to baptize if we don’t even know what direction they are in because Bob Sungenis and Rick DeLano have so confused everybody that we all become raving illiterate scientific imbeciles? Indeed, this lie must be refuted at all costs. And I have a plan to do it!

Effective this week I have relieved Jimmy Akin from all apologetics work and have ordered him to earn an astrophysics degree at San Diego State University. Already our resident apologist Michele Arnold has assisted Jimmy with his wardrobe so that he will fit in amongst his college classmates.

College Jimmy

Of course, an astrophysics degree doesn’t come cheap! Obviously Jimmy is expected to pay some of his own costs. He will do so by continuing to perform voice-overs and for The Grumpy Old Troll on the popular kids’ show Dora the Explorer.

Grumpy Troll

The rest of the money for Jimmy’s tuition will be raised by donations to a website in his honor called Once Jimmy has graduated he will devote himself full time to his position as Senior Interplanetary Apologist at Cosmic Answers.

In addition, I have ordered Patrick Coffin and Tim Staples to transform Catholic Answers Live into Cosmic Answers Live. The first show will include a virtual debate between Piltdown Man and Java Man. Afterwards, the duo will play some recordings of Teilhard de Chardin and discuss whether the Church is evolving to the Omega Point. Then in the final segment, magician Patrick Coffin will dazzle you by finding the missing link and then making it disappear. You don’t want to miss it!

I truly hope you all will support my new apologetics apostolate with your prayers and wallets.  Indeed Cosmic Answers is boldly going where no Internet apostolate has gone before.

I would be remiss not to mention that Cosmic Answers would not exist without the inspiration I drew from Pope Francis. His recent comments regarding the Big Bang and evolution truly warmed the cockles of my scientific heart. And while other lesser “apologists” were worrying themselves about the Pope’s various “problematic” statements, I was reading his words on baptizing alien life with deep awe and reverence.

In conclusion, Sir Elton John recently came out with effusive praise for the Pope, demanding that he be made a Saint immediately. I agree Elton! And what better way to show my appreciation to Elton John, Pope Francis, and the founding of Cosmic Answers than this tribute video. Enjoy!

Read 7901 times Last modified on Friday, October 31, 2014