Invalid Input

Invalid Input

Search the Remnant Newspaper
Tuesday, November 18, 2014

Breaking News: Pope Francis restores the ancient and lost Fifth Gospel

Rate this item
(7 votes)
“The Gospel According to Frank” “The Gospel According to Frank”

(A-CNN Special Extra Edition) Based on recent discoveries uncovered in an ancient Romanesque Crypt found in the remote recesses of the Argentinian campuses, the Vatican today proudly announced the authenticity of the Gospel According to Frank. Cardinal Izzy Offthecuffski, the Prefect of The Pontifical Anthropological and Archeological Scientific Synodical Commission on Scriptural Hermeneutics, a subdivision of the Congregation of Interfaith Dialectics, has issued the finished manuscript containing his imprimatur. The required final scrutiny by the C.E.O of the Catholic Answering service and the Vortex Inquisition Commission has been notified and their approval and certification are immanently expected. The publication by the Official Vatican Press will commence after the approval and certifications are received and reviewed by Pope Francis.  

The Sanctae Martha Hotel Morning Inspirational Service has been the preferred venue for the Gospel of Frank oratorical instructions and the place where Pope Francis has been delivering elocutions in the neo-Catholic Italian Novus Ordo Regular or Ordinary liturgical form. So far introduction into this Latin American version of the neo-scriptural texts has been highly receptive and most cultural progressive celebrities such as Elton John and Jane Fonda as well as the International Press have delivered accolades published in all the media outlets covering these events.

Little is known of the true meaning of these Gospel of Frank oracles outside of the intellectually well-formed circle of progressive academicians who surround Pope Francis; as for the many others there seems to be a confused concern with the new gospel’s deeper meanings. Admittedly the rumors are rife with encounters of extraterrestrial mystics flaunting otherworldly existential credentials and hallucinogenic magicians in pointy tinfoil miters waving wands. Some visionaries have been seeing things which suggest that some aspect of the Spirit of Vatican II has made a supernatural visitation appearing as a green creature with large black eyes atop a flying saucer.

Others less intellectually formed are convinced that the manifestation is not of traditional doctrine and caution against the new discoveries made in the vaunted new Gospel of Frank however popular they become. Lest I appear judgmental I will leave you to your own opinions.

Without quoting chapter and verse I think that it is noteworthy to list for you some sampling of the more profound of the oracles taken from the Gospel of Frank so that you can familiarize yourselves with what more is to come:

·        “Who am I to Judge?”If someone is gay and he searches for the Lord and has good will, who am I to judge? We shouldn't marginalize people for this. They must be integrated into society.”

·        “corruption is an evil worse than sin”

·        The “pastoral help” the Church must offer to people in irregular situations, he (Pope Francis) said, “has to be body-to-body.”

·        “Judas was not the one who sinned most: I don’t know who sinned the most…”

·        “Each of us has a vision of good and of evil. We have to encourage people to move towards what they think is good... Everyone has his own idea of good and evil and must choose to follow the good and fight evil as he conceives them. That would be enough to make the world a better place.”

·        “…the dishonest practices of people in power, the love of money, the death penalty, life sentences and the “accumulation of global wealth”—would not be evils if they were not also sinful, and there is no sin that is worse than sin.”

·        “If one has the answers to all the questions - that is the proof that God is not with him. It means that he is a false prophet using religion for himself. The great leaders of the people of God, like Moses, have always left room for doubt. You must leave room for the Lord, not for our certainties; we must be humble.”

·        “Sometimes negative news does come out, but it is often exaggerated and manipulated to spread scandal. Journalists sometimes risk becoming ill from coprophilia and thus fomenting coprophagia: which is a sin that taints all men and women, that is, the tendency to focus on the negative rather than the positive aspects.”

·        "Proselytism is solemn nonsense, it makes no sense. We need to get to know each other, listen to each other and improve our knowledge of the world around us."

Read 3204 times
James Cunningham / A-CNN Columnist

Satirical commentator and really old Catholic guy who spent most of his life reading Catholic newspapers and books while holding down a Rail Road conductor's job on Long Island.  Father of five, grandfather of ten and married to the same sweetheart for fifty+ years. Traditionally Catholic to the core.