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Tuesday, August 12, 2014

Breaking News Flash: Vatican Introduces Cafeteria Catholic Ministry

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Breaking News Flash: Vatican Introduces Cafeteria Catholic Ministry
It has been determined by the Special Research Committee of the Vatican Congregation for the Renewal of the Church (VCRC) that the traditional hierarchical order of the pre-conciliar Traditional Catholic Church does not in any way accurately reflect or fit into the present world of modern man. In reaction to the popular praxis of the overriding democratic fairness principle Pope Francis has called for a renewal of Vatican protocol to bring inline the Church and the secular world. An Official who spoke in anonymity said, “This is a new age and a new spirit which calls for a new Church with many new choices. Conscience is not a matter of conformity but a unified diversity of egalitarian evolution within the hermeneutics of continuity and that is our living tradition. We need to become more tolerant and aware of individual choices.”

Special Cafeteria Committee of Cardinals Recommends a neo-Church of Choice:

A Special Committee of Cardinals gathering in the Vatican cafeteria initiated by Pope Francis within the VCRC for the purpose of restoring a brotherhood of egalitarian cooperation and simpatico within present plebian genre has completed their study and made recommendations for a neo-Church of “Choice” . Experts who are most familiar with the project suggest: “That the old restrictive medieval style Catholic Church should be completely renewed and replaced with a truly new ‘Aggiornamento Church’ of choice reflecting the vision of St. Pope John XXIII in union with the Spirit of Vatican II. This is the chosen course that has completely captured the new Vatican cafeteria visionary, Pope Francis (affectionately known as Captain Cafeteria) and it is the one all those in the neo-Church are certain to follow.”

The Cafeteria Catholic Ministry:

The Vatican Congregation for the Renewal of the Church or VCRC’s document: “Papal Egalitarian Ecumenical Renewal and Restoration of Cafeteria Catholic Ministry” has been approved and codified by the Congregation for the Doctrine of the Catholic Cafeteria and is set to be distributed to the deputies of protocol for implementation. The Vatican online app for this program will become available once it has been implemented by the protocol assemblies this November, 2014. The first and immediate effect will be to completely revolutionize the dining arrangements throughout the Vatican premises. All Vatican dining will follow the new “Cafeteria Policy.” As a consequence of this edict, the principles of this project have simply adopted the primary common distinction and the deeper more meaningful expression of change. The project going forward will be known simply as: “The Cafeteria Catholic Ministry”.

Outreach Unity Program of Inclusiveness:

The Pope has been reaching out with great success to the separated brethren and inviting them to come in under the roof of the big tent of inclusiveness where prejudice has been replaced with impartiality and diversity is free to express conscience in the generous spirit of social unity. The Cafeteria Catholic Ministry clearly complements the ideal charisma of ecumenical collegiality and liberality. Adopting the slogan, “Who am I to Judge?” the Cafeteria Catholic is offered choice rather than authoritarian absolutes; which the expert theologians agree is essentially a more loving and forgiving modern Christian theology.

The Spirit of the Cafeteria Catholic Ministry and the “Gospel of Choice”:

True to the VCRC’s new cause of leveling and equalizing, the Committee of Cardinals have designed a banner and logo depicting Pope Francis choosing the attitudes of doctrines, customs and practices which best suits his personality and placing them on a large orange plastic cafeteria tray. The Spirit of the Second Vatican Council does not stop there however. Within the framework of Cafeteria Catholicism the choices are practically limitless. In practice the Faithful will simply follow their hearts and listen to the Gospel for the words which they feel Jesus is saying to them. Then, when they have heard enough of what they want to hear they will joyfully go about their nice lives following the chosen paths which uphold their cafeteria wants and desires, working out their salvation in the confidence of serendipity. This is the new path to sainthood, simple and merciful, and clearly without the old discomfort of restrictions. The Cafeteria Catholic Ministry offers choice and not stuffy doctrinal rules and protocols which can be hurtful. The Cafeteria Catholic faithful are free from intimidation and condemnation for expressions of diversity in a spiritual environment enjoyed equally by all of the faithful. This new attitude is known as the “Gospel of Choice” and will soon be published in an upcoming encyclical.

Egalitarian Inclusion without Judgementalism:

The advantages for attracting new followers through the Cafeteria Catholic Ministry is also a limitless menu of choice because in practice the unpleasant barriers of traditional doctrine are softened and made pliable and determined by personal situation and need. There is also the prospect of growth without the harshness of proselytizing to a specific creed. Objectively, the Gospel of Choice allows for the person to be what they can be without making a theological commitment or lifestyle change. The Holy Father is leading by example because he is known for demonstrating his humble inclusiveness especially in the Interdenominational Charismatic Movement where he speaks in tongues to everyone; even when no one really knows what he is saying. Similarly, in the Catholic Cafeteria the doctrinal rules will remain in place but the understanding of the rules will broaden in diversity so that deeper and newer understandings can grow with an ever expanding choice even in situations where no one knows or realizes the reality behind the process.  The new Catholic Church of unity in diversity, as one anonymous Church Official said: “Truly reflects the brilliance of Pope Francis and the fearless bold new future of our faith; he is truly a saint.”  

Trusting in Conscience Without Fear:

In the Mission statement of this 75,000 page document by the (VCRC), “Papal Egalitarian Ecumenical Renewal and Restoration (The Cafeteria Catholic Ministry)”, “Fear of the Lord has been replaced with Trust in the Lord.” The Cafeteria Catholic professes his or her confidence in self and the knowledge that God will understand him or her without the fear, that following their individual and unique consciences, they might offend Him. This is the long sought after Religious Freedom of Conscience now combined with the Unity of Diversity and the people do love it. When sinful behavior is understood to be behavior with the intention to sin and not the actual behavior based on consciousness we can truly enjoy the fearless expression of thought and spirituality unique to our person. The virtues of kindness and mercy structurally replace the strictness of musty traditional doctrinal praxis that are still held as the guiding and inflexible absolutes of the paleo-Traditionalist Catholics. No longer does fixed sexual preference or procreative choice obsessively take preference over a person’s individual situational moral decisions. The Mission statement goes on to state: “We are all different and all equally entitled, as children of the Lord, to our diversity. The people of the Lord share in the freedom and celebration of diversity and all are welcome as Cafeteria Catholics in the neo-Church ministry without intolerant rules; into universal salvation which is the true Spirit and intention of the Second Vatican Council.” In such a loving environment the world comes together leaving out only the Traditionalists with their uncompromising and ancient Roman Catholic religiosity.  

Added Bonuses of Religious Catholic Cafeteria Franchises:

As an added bonus the Congregation for the Doctrine of the Catholic Cafeteria in conjunction with the Vatican Business Opportunities Central Planning Office is offering those who qualify, Franchises for individual Parish Council owner/operator Catholic Cafeterias. Each individually operated Parish Catholic Cafeteria will then have the option to create a spiritual carte du jour which will best express their own Cafeteria Catholic diversity and choice. This offer is, however, not limited to Catholic Parishes. The Catholic Cafeteria project is adaptable and suitably interdenominational and is ecumenically designed to function in all faith cafeteria environments. The franchise package includes a training program and list of faith products endorsed by the Cafeteria Catholic Ministry.   This is a first come, first serve offer so act fast and don’t lose out on this opportunity for a truly rewarding and existential spiritual experience.

Read 3227 times Last modified on Tuesday, August 12, 2014
James Cunningham / A-CNN Columnist

Satirical commentator and really old Catholic guy who spent most of his life reading Catholic newspapers and books while holding down a Rail Road conductor's job on Long Island.  Father of five, grandfather of ten and married to the same sweetheart for fifty+ years. Traditionally Catholic to the core.