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Wednesday, October 1, 2014

Vatican Release: Trad-Bashing Piñatas

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Vatican Release: Trad-Bashing Piñatas

Breaking News from the Vatican Party Shop:

Exciting the pundits of the secular press and the more liberal lobby leaders of Neo-Catholicism is the newest Vatican Party Shop line of Trad-bashing Piñatas. Designed as eye-catching cartoonish characterizations of the overtly pompous traditionalist clergy in their pre-Vatican II garb is where the fun begins. Smashing the treat-filled trad-clerical figures, especially those of the neo-Lefebvrian orders, is sheer delight and it is causing somewhat of a sensation even among the more sophisticated moderate neo-Catholic cults.

Rumor has it that the idea originated in the diocese of Buenos Aries, always a hotbed of anti-Lefebvre animosity and somehow made its way to the Vatican following the election of Pope Francis. Now the cool and amusing beating up on the trad-clerical piñatas and the like hung in effigy is spreading like an infectious virus throughout the neo-Catholic culture. The colorful candy filled clerics come in three basic sizes consisting of large, medium and even small for the more intimate occasions. Each anti-trad piñata comes individually gift wrapped and labeled with the name of your favorite trad-to-hate group prominently displayed. Right now the Franciscan Friars of the Immaculate are on the top of the hit list with the FFI nuns running a close second. There is however, a growing interest in smashing the Society of St. Pius X (SSPX) models and especially the Extraordinary Bishop Fellay piñata that is touted to be the party favorite of the Congregation for the Doctrine of the Faith.

Among the many preferences heading up the trad-bashing piñata assortment are the “self-absorbed promethean neopelagianism” varieties.

Promethean neopelagian, constantly talked about but, never seen straw-man phantoms of Pope Francis’ vivid imagination? The fact that Traditional Latin Mass Catholics are anything other than faithful to the Church’s Magisterium and Tradition is a preposterous contradiction and convoluted abstraction of the facts. Nevertheless, there seems to be a terrific voracious market for beating up on traditionalists even though they are mislabeled with untrue, unproven and calumnious allegations; who cares, as long as we are having fun? The Priestly Fraternity of St. Peter (FSSP) piñata is a work in progress but, will soon hit the production line as a predictable best seller because of their international annoyance.

There are other Traditionalist Orders which can also be found listed in the Vatican Piñata Catalogue which promises plenty of fun for all who want a crack at bashing Traditionalists. In addition to the catalogue and if you simply must have a piñata for a special event to celebrate your favorite hatred for a particular Traditionalist cleric not listed, a customized special order form can be created for a minimal additional cost. The Vatican Public Relations man in charge is also putting together another cool line of traditional churches, high altars and other traditional religious items as a fun piñata ready to be smashed.  The Vatican Party Shop advertises trad-bashing piñatas for all occasions for both adults and children. Trad-bashing piñatas also make a great gift item for your trad-bashing buddies to beat up on when just hanging out and looking for fun.

From what I am hearing this is just the beginning of a whole new fun-filled program to make the Vatican and the Catholic Church a more enjoyable fun-filled experience within the greater fun-filled experience of the ecumenical New World Order. Smashing traditionalists can and should be fun for the whole community and is even recommended for political events. In fact, rumour has it that a new fun Piñata Liturgy is being fabricated like the Novus Ordo and very soon will be coming to a neighbourhood church near you which will feature the smashing of all things traditional, not just a piñata. I simply can’t wait!

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James Cunningham / A-CNN Columnist

Satirical commentator and really old Catholic guy who spent most of his life reading Catholic newspapers and books while holding down a Rail Road conductor's job on Long Island.  Father of five, grandfather of ten and married to the same sweetheart for fifty+ years. Traditionally Catholic to the core.