I decided to start keeping track of the Woke Catechism so I could understand the party line and repeat it upon demand, as is now required. But the more examples I added, the less I understood of what was being said. Maybe I am hopelessly clinging to the old logic, the crusty stuff that apparently expired just about a week ago.
It’s still a work in progress, but I share the list in its current state here. Maybe you, Dear Reader, can help me get caught up? Maybe you also have examples from the Woke Catechism to add?
The Woke Catechism (as of January 29, 2021—subject to sudden revision)
- Heroin is legalized, but Republicans are outlawed.
- AmeriKKKa is a racist hellhole. But if you storm AmeriKKKa’s Capitol then you are a traitor.
- Don’t question science! But Bruce Jenner is female.
- If you are a billionaire, you are evil. Unless you are Jack Dorsey.
- Blessed are the poor. But not if they voted for Trump.
- While Trump was still a serially-bankrupt womanizing Manhattan billionaire, he was perfectly acceptable in high society. It was only when he came out and said he loved America that he was shunned.
- You may sleep with PRC spies, but not with Russian ones.
- “Trust the experts,” say the experts. Because everyone else is biased.
- You may not instigate a coup d’état, unless you work for the FBI.
- To prove you are not a racist, you must vote for the party of the KKK.
- If you’re Black, you’re good. George Floyd committed armed robbery against a pregnant woman, but Floyd was Black and therefore good. If you are white, you are bad. Mother Teresa was from Albania. Therefore, white privilege. Systemic racism. Mother Teresa, David Duke. (NB: If you’re Asian, we’re not really sure.)
- You may choose your own gender, but not your own race.
- You may tweet-call for violence, but only against Republicans.
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- You may not join the NRA. You may join the Black Panthers.
- If you ask that your vote be counted, you are a threat to democracy.
- Dismembering a fetus is liberating. But saying “Vote Trump” is inherently violent.
- You may set up a Capitol Hill Autonomous Zone in Seattle, but you may not set up a Capitol Hill Autonomous Zone at the Capitol.
- Globalism is about the free exchange of people, goods, and ideas across borders. But you may not attend the globalist meetings in Davos. And if you are against globalism, expect to be put on a no-fly list. Or in a Hong Kong prison. No free exchange for you.
- Mishandling classified information is bad, unless you are Hillary Clinton. You may atone for having purloined classified material by having a sex-change operation. You may not atone for having purloined classified material by having a child in Russia.
- Don’t bomb anything. Unless you are friends with Jerry Nadler. Or Bill Clinton. Or Barack Obama.
- Democracy is sacred. The Ten Commandments are not sacred.
- We’re all going to die of white supremacy and climate change. The world’s richest white people fly in private jets to Davos, Geneva, and Aspen every year to solemnly reaffirm this fact.
- Sleazy bundlers: Tony Rezko, OK; Paul Manafort, not OK.
- Do not oppress Muslims. Unless you are a Chinese communist.
- It is always acceptable, even encouraged, to persecute Christians. There are no exceptions.
- If you are a woman and say that men cannot be women, you are anti-woman.
- Using a cloth mask to catch a virus is like using a volleyball net to catch a mosquito. But if you point this out, you are being dangerously unscientific. Science, people! Science!
- No racism. But if you’re Asian, don’t bother applying to Harvard.
- No immigration limits, except into the neighborhoods of celebrities tweeting that there should not be immigration limits.
- Celebrate diversity. But no internet if you’re different.
- Kids in cages: Obama, OK. Trump, not OK.
- My body, my choice, but get vax-jabbed in the arm or you are literally a Nazi.
- Believe all survivors, except Tara Reade, Juanita Broaddrick, Kathleen Willey, Paula Jones, and Gennifer Flowers.
- Defund the police, but if I call the police and they don’t come, having been defunded, then ACAB. And racist.
- No Christmas. Hanukkah is iffy. Happy Kwanzaa!
- Don’t be a bully, but dismembering preborn Down Syndrome children is great.
- Satan statues are OK, Jesus statues are not.
- Do not contest elections, unless you are Al Gore, Stacey Abrams, or otherwise a Democrat.
- There is massive suppression of the minority vote in every single state, because systemic racism, but when record numbers of Blacks and Latinos vote for Trump then this is not due to voter suppression, but is still due to systemic racism.
- Trump Tower, bad. Xinjiang concentration camps? Meh.
- We have a rape crisis on campus, therefore we must defund the campus police.
- Gunpowder, silk, paper: Chinese. Wuhan virus: definitely not Chinese.
- Intifada: good. MAGA: bad.
- Veganism, good. Abortion also good.
- If you bomb anything you will be shunned. Unless you are Bill Ayers or Bernardine Dohrn—then you will be promoted. (Nice earring, Bill.)
- “My body, my choice”—which babies don’t have the right to say. Because free speech.
- The decision to have an abortion is a matter only between a woman and her doctor. And the 300 million taxpayers funding Planned Parenthood.
- COVID-19 relief payments to working families are good, but COVID-19 relief funds for the corporations that pay those families’ incomes is “shameful”.
- Gitmo, bad. Soviet Gulags? Fake news. (Gitmo terrorists? First in line for the vaccine!)
- Promise ring: Ha ha, what a repressed weirdo! Burkini: inspirational.
- Go organic, but pass the contraception.
- Catholicism is basically sodomy, atheism, infanticide, and Pachamama. (Hat tip: JMB)
Bonus section: DICTATOR FINAL GRADES
Kim Jong Un: Incomplete