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Wednesday, October 10, 2018

Mocking the Eminently Mockable

Written by  Eccles
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Mocking the Eminently Mockable

Between-the-lines letter from Cardinal Ouellet to Archbishop Viganò:

Dear brother Carlo Maria Viganò,

As Deputy Assistant Vice-Pope, and one who might have gone to the top if it hadn't been for the St Gallen mob - er, I mean the Holy Spirit - I am writing to you about your latest statements spilling the Faggioli about Pope Francis (a little Vatican joke, there. Beans, get it? Oh, suit yourself.)

I find your current attitude incomprehensible and extremely troubling, as it makes the Pope, Cardinals and Bishops look like complete fools. Which nobody ever suspected before. Remember that criticising the Holy Father is blasphemy (CCC 9745, added today), and far worse than, say, criticising Jesus, who did not have the advantages of reading Amoris Laetitia.

How dare you say that Pope Benedict - whoever he may be - put sanctions on Uncle Ted McCarrick? The fact is that when Pope Francis took over he found Ted lying in chains in a deep dungeon, deprived of even the humblest seminarian for companionship. Being a merciful as well as humble pope, he promptly released him, saying "Go and sin some more" (John 8:11). Uncle Ted was promptly made the Vatican's Special Envoy to Vulnerable Seminarians, and how do you dare criticise the Pope's decision?

Of course, Pope Francis makes prudential judgements, and he is not infallible, except when he chooses to be. And he does now.

ouellet popeLookit, Francis, there's our boy, Teddy!

Dear pontifical representative emeritus, I tell you frankly that to accuse Pope Francis of having covered-up knowingly the case of an alleged sexual predator is unbelievable and without foundation. He didn't bother mentioning the case to anyone, but that is not the same thing at all.

I have the privilege of having long meetings with Pope Francis every week to discuss the appointment of bishops and the problems that affect their governance. I know very well how he treats persons and problems: with great charity, mercy, attentiveness and seriousness, as you too have experienced. (Hang on a minute, Eccles, that's a real quotation.)

We must recognise Pope Francis for what he is, a true shepherd, a martyr, a saint, a resolute and compassionate father, a prophetic grace for the Church and for the world; yes, a humble man who gave his last euro to a dying beggar, and didn't ask for it back until later. He is incapable of doing wrong, and I can only conclude that your revelations are part of a plot to incriminate him for things he may or may not have done; until he agrees to a DNA test we can't be sure, can we?

Don't think you'll get away with this, Viganò. We know where you live. Well, we don't, but when we find you, you'll wish you'd taken out extra accident insurance.

Your loving brother in Christ,

Marc Ouellet, the Very Eminent

Remnant Editor's Note: This is just so exquisitely funny that we flat out stole it from the blog, "Eccles is saved".  We searched in vain for contact info in order to ask permission but, having found none, we can only now ask forgiveness from Eccles and assure him that we'll take it down immediately if our theft is offensive. Either way, thanks a million, Eccles, for the hearty belly laugh, and do let us know if you're ever looking for other writing gigs. The one thing these characters cannot handle is mockery, and yet never before have churchmen been more richly deserving of it. Well done indeed!  - MJM


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Last modified on Thursday, October 11, 2018