A-CNN Breaking Story: The Catholic Church in its ecumenical wisdom and neo-exegesis tradition with and by the authority expressly granted by the Second Vatican Council document proclamation of SACROSANCTUM CONCILIUM, DECREES:
50. The rite of the Mass is to be revised in such a way that the intrinsic nature and purpose of its several parts, as well as the connection between them, may be more clearly manifested, and that devout and active participation by the faithful may be more easily achieved.
For this purpose the rites are to be simplified, due care being taken to preserve their substance. Parts which with the passage of time came to be duplicated, or were added with little advantage, are to be omitted. Other parts which suffered loss through accidents of history are to be restored to the vigor they had in the days of the holy Fathers, as may seem useful or necessary.
Revised Praxis: To be granted to achieve the more active participation in the Novus Ordo Mass. The table of the Eucharist is to be extended and or supplemented with auxiliary tables in such a way as to provide for the new useful and necessary self-service ministry and for the restoration of the People’s Liturgical Buffet Eucharist Distribution Table.
“The Pope has opened the windows and doors of the post-Second Vatican Council Catholic Church to the wonderful world that it once mistakenly viewed as a place of darkness needing the light of Christendom.”
Breaking News: The Vatican Press Office just released a statement concerning the Vatican Plan for a New One World Order Morality based on the threat of Climate Change and the mandatory conservation of the Earth. This papal document will be revealing the indisputable science which shows the detrimental impact human beings have made on the eco system. Not only irreparable damage to the environment but, also the cruelty of capitalistic unfair disparity in the distribution of goods, education and the land practices humans exploit and invest in. A new economy is being designed to better meet the needs of the marginalized poor who want jobs and a better opportunity for social development but, never seem to get it. It has been noted that the Holy Father has been saying, “The poor you will not always have among us”. Plans to incorporate an additional hermeneutic for a new more ecumenical morality code for sharing the earth are being drawn up. Since this new morality’s central focus is the planet Earth there will be an emphasis placed on the ecumenical management of social justice through science, technology and democracy. These new ideas are a reflection and refinement of the old Marxian axiom: “From each according to his ability, to each according to his need”.
Breaking News: Vatican City Papal Address to the Church and those faithful following their consciences. The new Motu Proprio Document by Pope Nemo I is titled “Video Tuo Audio” with disciplines for the extended Modern Catholic Universal Church as regards the proper comportment for the required new Sunday fulfillment of Ordinary Eucharistic Mass attendance obligations:
The modern Church is rapidly moving away from the traditional parochial community to the more pan-religious community. Today, in fact, the average age of priests has approached retirement age. With this evolution of extra-ecclesiology and concurrent shortage of priest presiders the use of brick and mortar structures has become obsolete. Economic assets have been reduced to critically low proportions due primarily to legal fees and debt compensation needed for clerical pedophilia indiscretion.
A-CNN Vatican Report, December 19, 2014 -- In a surprise move The Pope of “Surprises” announced to the public this morning that the cause for sainthood has finally made its way through the Congregation for the Causes of Saints and a date was set for the Beatification of Blessed Archbishop Marcel François Marie Joseph Lefebvre.
Pope Francis has always admired the Archbishop’s traditionalist rigidity and devotion to the objective truth and discipline of the Supreme Magisterium and the entire deposit of Holy Faith. Expressed in many ways of kindness towards the SSPX and the laity who adhere to the Holy Catholic Faith it really is no surprise that Pope Francis has supported the efforts of Bishop Williamson in taking up the Archbishop’s cause for sainthood.
(A-CNN Special Extra Edition) Based on recent discoveries uncovered in an ancient Romanesque Crypt found in the remote recesses of the Argentinian campuses, the Vatican today proudly announced the authenticity of the Gospel According to Frank. Cardinal Izzy Offthecuffski, the Prefect of The Pontifical Anthropological and Archeological Scientific Synodical Commission on Scriptural Hermeneutics, a subdivision of the Congregation of Interfaith Dialectics, has issued the finished manuscript containing his imprimatur. The required final scrutiny by the C.E.O of the Catholic Answering service and the Vortex Inquisition Commission has been notified and their approval and certification are immanently expected. The publication by the Official Vatican Press will commence after the approval and certifications are received and reviewed by Pope Francis.
Breaking News from the Vatican Party Shop:
Exciting the pundits of the secular press and the more liberal lobby leaders of Neo-Catholicism is the newest Vatican Party Shop line of Trad-bashing Piñatas. Designed as eye-catching cartoonish characterizations of the overtly pompous traditionalist clergy in their pre-Vatican II garb is where the fun begins. Smashing the treat-filled trad-clerical figures, especially those of the neo-Lefebvrian orders, is sheer delight and it is causing somewhat of a sensation even among the more sophisticated moderate neo-Catholic cults.
Rumor has it that the idea originated in the diocese of Buenos Aries, always a hotbed of anti-Lefebvre animosity and somehow made its way to the Vatican following the election of Pope Francis. Now the cool and amusing beating up on the trad-clerical piñatas and the like hung in effigy is spreading like an infectious virus throughout the neo-Catholic culture. The colorful candy filled clerics come in three basic sizes consisting of large, medium and even small for the more intimate occasions. Each anti-trad piñata comes individually gift wrapped and labeled with the name of your favorite trad-to-hate group prominently displayed. Right now the Franciscan Friars of the Immaculate are on the top of the hit list with the FFI nuns running a close second. There is however, a growing interest in smashing the Society of St. Pius X (SSPX) models and especially the Extraordinary Bishop Fellay piñata that is touted to be the party favorite of the Congregation for the Doctrine of the Faith.