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Friday, January 2, 2015

Building Community in Isolation: A Virtual New Mass

By:   Brian McCallum, D.D.
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Presiders Offer Virtual Mass Options to the Faithful Presiders Offer Virtual Mass Options to the Faithful

A GALAXY NOT THAT FAR FAR AWAY.  (January 1, 2015)  The Congregation for Human Worship and the Un-discipline of the Sacraments -- until the resignation of Pope Emeritus Benedict, formerly known as (f/k/a) Congregation for Divine Worship and the Discipline of the Sacraments -- today announced that in an audience with Auxiliary Bishop of Rome, Francis ½ (f/k/a Bishop of Rome Francis) the Prefect obtained the signature of Francis to a cow (f/k/a a "bull" in an age dominated by masculine terminology which excluded the female gender) promulgating a new order of the Lord’s Supper (f/f/k/a the Mass).

document, Simulans Novus OrdoMissae established the rubrics and technical specifications for what the eternal Vatican Spokesman Federico Lombardi called a Virtual New Order of Mass (VNOM).  “The Vatican, taking note of the latest discoveries in social science, anthropology, psychology, technology, liturgy, and every other discipline outside of her competence, has finally realized that the most effective way to build community life is through the isolated pursuit by each individual of his, her, or its unique preferences.”  

Pursuant to the VNOM, beginning on the Third Sunday in Lent all pews will be replaced with individual virtualm reality booths in which the active participant can select the attributes of worship most suited to his, her, or its sensibilities.  One worshipper experiencing a Solemn High Tridentine Mass could be seated in a booth between a Lutheran experiencing a German Communion Service and a professional surfboarder participating in a beach ball Mass.  “Through this isolated individual pursuit of preference perfectly tranquil community worship will emerge,” commented Lombardi.

Cardinal Walter Kasper, who recently came out of retirement to head the new Vatican Pontifical Council for Ecumenism Among those in Full Communion, hailed the new order as a triumph for his still to be established Council.  “This will end all dissension and liturgical strife within the Church since each full, partial and unintentional member of the Church will be able to worship together with the whole Church in their chosen preferred form.”  

Apple Inc. designed the Virtual Mass Stations to provide the following choices: Language, Presider Gender, architectural style, 
vestment color, music, and service style.  According to Lombardi the program already includes 5,280 service styles and 71 colors of vestments (including one termed the Emperor’s New Color).  An Apple Spokesanimal would neither confirm nor deny that Apple was working on a mobile app version of the VNOM.  

Sister Unnone Gander, who is chairperson of Nuns for Ordination, said that the move ended her organization’sseventeen year fast from asparagus in protest of the Vatican refusal to ordain women. 

The Congregation for the Dissolution of the Faith said that the selection of a female presider was reconcilable with Catholic doctrine since the presider would only be virtual and thus not violate the antiquated and discriminatory ban on female ordination. 
The Prefect of the Congregation said that this novel solution allowed female priests without contradicting the old prohibition.  

When asked by the former Prefect of the Congregation of the Clergy what existing priests would do upon adoption of the VNOM, Lombardi explained that each pastor would be appointed Chief Technology Officer of the parish and in the twelve parishes worldwide that still had an assistant priest, he would become a parish IT help desk.  The new understanding of the priestly calling resides in the smooth functioning of technology according to Lombardi.

Simulans Novus OrdoMissae § 3,456 requires all existing priests and seminarians to return to school to obtain a degree in computer programming to serve as the foundation of their new ministry.  From the Presider’s Control Chair (which was designed to resemble Captain Piccard’s chair from Star Trek the Next Generation) the Presider will ensure the smooth functioning of each individual booth and will reassignparishoners to new locations if their booth malfunctions.  Each community service will commence by the Presider broadcasting into the booth “Engage!” in the chosen language of the active participant.  

Cardinal Pell, newly appointed Vatican Bank Czar, asked Lombardi if there would be a virtual collection in the VNOR. Lombardi explained that at the same time in each virtual Mass booth a real wicker basket would thrust out of the control panel to collect real money.  “But,” Lombardi added, “we will rely less on collections as the VNOM provides an opportunity to fund the Church with sponsorship. Auxiliary Bishop of Rome Francis plans to appoint Mr. Natt A. D’Vertisement head of the Pontifical Commission for Sponsorship.  D’Vertisement is currently the Director of Sponsorship for PBS. Upon being informed of the immanent appointment, he stated “For years PBS has realized you can collect high volume advertising revenue but convince everyone you are a non-profit offering commercial free programming.  I am delighted to have the opportunity to introduce this brilliant subtlety into the Church.  Soon worship participants will be able to experience a Sneaker Mass brought to you by Nike—Just Do It—or a Pork Mass—The Other White Meat (although this worship option will be blocked in churches attended by Jewish brothers).  Preliminary calculations indicate that the new sponsorship revenue will more than pay for the $118 trillion dollar cost of installing Virtual Mass Booths in the world’s Catholic Churches which were not closed in the last round of consolidation.

One startling reaction was noted by the President of the Pontifical Commission Ecclesia Dei.  He announced immediately after the promulgation of the VNOM that Vatican theologians and the theologians of the Society of St. Pius X finally found a theological conclusion on which they could agree.  The statement that both sides agreed they could accept read as follows:  “The supernatural efficacious effects of the Virtual Novus Ordo Mass will be the same as those flowing from the Missal promulgated by Pope Paul VI and the VNOM is as licit as the Missal of Pope Paul VI.  

Those pundits who thought the Vatican theologians and the theologians of the Society of St. Pius X could never agree on a point of doctrine have been proven wrong.

Read 5806 times Last modified on Saturday, January 3, 2015