“Just as the Maya wise men knew way back when, Hell on Earth will arrive with the 21 December solstice,” proclaimed renowned climatologist Isadore Ajar. “Global warming ain’t your grandma’s hot spell: we’re talking the Big Heat, like, say, a bad hair day will mean you have a brush fire on your head, if you take my meaning.”

New Age guru Swami Suchabanana, one of the unofficial “chaplains” of the conference, was heard to drone “Ooooom-I!” when the announcement was made. The Amazonian shaman (name withheld) was less passive in his response: the heavily painted, nearly nude sage leapt to his feet and began showering fellow delegates with a powerful-smelling potion contained in a gourd of sorts. “Think of it as ‘aspersion’ in the ecumenical sense,” suggested the Vatican representative, who assured this reporter that the Catholic Church would be first on line to book a world tour for the leaping sprinkler from the rain forests.

“If the Amazon jungle is going to be turned into the world’s largest Turkish steam bath, we have no time to lose,” stated the papal envoy, who refused comment on the rumor that Vatican City—indeed, Rome itself—would be evacuated before the ramp-up in global warming turned the city into a concrete cannelloni.

Following the announcement, UN headquarters in New York was a hive of activity as delegates from the world’s nations began packing up for the move to Ice Station Zebu, in northern Greenland, the world’s new nerve center for global solidarity. The heavily guarded facility, apparently constructed some time ago, reputed to be bigger than the Baghdad embassy of the US, is said to be completely self-sustaining and is invisible from the air owing to deployment of the “invisible shield” originally developed for a toothpaste manufacturer.

Taxpayers worldwide will see a marked rise in their payments, the funds being necessary for further study after the surface of the Earth has become largely uninhabitable. Ordinary folk are strongly urged to stock up on accordion-style folding hand fans and the recently introduced “cool shoes”—manufactured in China by American guest workers—that have a six-inch fiberglass-and-mylar insulated inner sole that not only protects against scorched earth and melting pavement but adds to your stature!

Global warming: It’s a Really Hot Debate Now!