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by Nairb McLlac

Supreme Court and Grocery Correspondent

Supreme Court Rules that Chickens are Vegetables

A-CNN Special News Report: In a novel move but still in the spirit of the ever evolving American jurisprudence, the Supreme Court of the United States today announced in a sua sponte and ex nihilo decision that all chickens were no longer animals but vegetables.  Since this decision was announced without anyone filing suit or arguing the case the majority opinion written by Justice Kennedy and running over 800 pages explained that the Court ruled on the basis of what would have been argued if the case had been brought before the court. 

Kennedy stated that the dignity of a chicken requires that the nature of chicken not be constrained by traditional definitions of animal and vegetable.  All federal and state laws treating chickens as animals discriminate against the chickenhood of the chicken and are therefore null and void.  All laws regulating the slaughter, preparation, packaging and labeling of chickens must be rewritten to take account of this new reality and treat the processing and sale of chickens as the processing and sale of vegetables.  One of the 340 examples of de facto discrimination cited by the majority is that classifying chickens as animals disqualifies chickens from being cast in starring roles in the children’s programs “Veggie Tales.”  The Court treated the Veggie Tales example as highly significant proof of discrimination as the programs are produced by fundamentalist Christians who have a long history of hatred against oppressed minorities. 

Ima Turnip, spokes-gender-neutral-person for the Society for the Treatment of Animals as Really Vegetables (STARV) celebrated the decision as a civil rights victory for all food products that have been stereotyped as animals and suffered severe discrimination as a result.  For example, she said cucumbers do not have to comply with regulations to prevent the spread of salmonella but chickens are forced to be packaged in containers warning consumers that they should thoroughly was the chicken and all surfaces touched by the chicken.  “Imagine how your self-esteem would suffer if you had to be labeled in this derogatory way when cucumbers are treated differently.”  Recognizing chickens as vegetables will avoid this disparate impact. 

Ikan B. Agirl,II, Spokesman for the Society for the feminization of Roosters expressed extreme disappointment that the high court did not go far enough in its ruling.  “The court still refuses to recognize the right of roosters to gender identify as chickens.  Roosters are thus stuck with the label of animal under this narrow ruling and will not benefit in any way from the expansion of the class of vegetables to include chickens.” 

Four Justices joined Justice Scalia in an angry dissent.  “This ruling would have been perfectly understandable on one of two bases.  If the Founding Fathers had intended chickens to be vegetables, the majority’s conclusion would have been correct.  Secondly, if the People had spoken by amending the Constitution to declare that all chickens were vegetables than in conformity with the “greatest democratic standards of this nation” the court could accept that chickens are vegetables.  “Since neither of these premises can be proven, for the moment chickens should have remained as animals until the democratic process decided otherwise.  Instead the court short circuited the political branches and prematurely turned chickens into vegetables without Congressional hearings and committee and floor votes.  This decision is a blow to freedom and liberty and the original intentions of our great Founding Fathers.” 

Vatican spokesman for the Pontifical Council for the Advancement of Studies in Contradiction greeted the U.S. ruling with approval.  “The Church has been woefully behind the signs of the times on this issue.  Recent archival research uncovered that a number of periti at the Second Vatican Council had drafted a Declaration on Relations with Chickens (Nostrus Pollus).  Sadly as a result of a compromise making possible the approval of Nostra Aetate, the Council cowered to the pressure of the animal conservatives and indefinitely tabled consideration of this crucial document which would have recognized elements of sanctification in all forms of poultry.  This would have been a very compatible document to others in the Council as it would have offended neither Jews nor Hindus (after the words “pork and beef” were stricken after the word “chicken”).  I have great hopes that this civil rights victory will encourage Pope Francis to recognize the appalling poverty of chickens caused by their treatment as animals.”