By I. M. Persiflage

SPLC Declares Itself a Hate Group

 

 

Howard Mandel

(A-CNN) This week, in a shocking move, the Southern Poverty Law Center (SPLC) has declared itself a hate group. The decision came as a surprise to many SPLC followers. The SPLC was founded in 1971 to fight white supremacist organizations. Over the years, the SPLC began to compose a list of organizations they consider “hate groups.” This “hate list” began by including legitimate “hate groups” such as the KKK and Neo-Nazis.

 

However, recently the SPLC’s “hate list” has been criticized.  Critics say the SPLC “hate list” gradually began to encompass a growing number of mainstream conservative political organizations and that SPLC additions to the list are politically motivated.

 

This controversy intensified when the SPLC expanded its “hate list” once again last month. In this latest expansion, the SPLC made a number of controversial additions to this expanded “hate list” including:

 

The AARP

The NHL
The Boy Scouts

The Special Olympics

The NBA

Civil War Reenactors

Revolutionary War Reenactors

The Country Music Association

The NFL

MENSA

Renaissance Festivals of America

The Tall Club

The South

NASCAR

Medieval Times Restaurants

Little People of America

The American Mustache Institute

Black & White Film Lovers Association

Chik-Fil-A

The Jeff Foxworthy Fan Club

Santa’s Elves

 

This week, the controversy took an unexpected turn. In a surprise move, Howard Mandell, chairman of the SPLC, made the following announcement:

 

It has come to my attention that our definition for what constitutes a hate group is now so expansive that it actually includes the SPLC itself. In order to include more hate groups, the SPLC had to expand our definition of “hate group” to include: “any organization or collection of people who are discriminatory, intolerant, or disparaging of any other organization or collection of people they disagree with.”

 

In order to be consistent with this definition, we unfortunately had to declare ourselves a “hate group”. That said, our experts are working around the clock, to revise our “hate group” definition.  In the future it will hopefully be narrow enough to exclude the SPLC, but still broad enough to include those organizations we despise. As soon as this goal is accomplished, the SPLC intends to remove its own “hate group” designation. At that time the SPLC can get back to ensuring the world is safe from hate by having our team write “hate group” on the Wikipedia pages of every organization we disagree with.

 

In an A-CNN exclusive, we sat down with SPLC Chairman, Howard Mandell, to ask a few questions about his group’s recent controversies:

 

A-CNN:  Mr. Mandell, thank you very much for meeting with us. Before I begin, may I just say I’m a big fan of your work on “Deal or No Deal” and “America’s Got Talent.”  In fact, not many young kids know this, but I remember back in the late 70’s when you first started in stand-up. You used to place a latex glove over your head and inflate it by blowing through your nose. The fingers of the glove would extend above your head like a rooster! (laughs) Let me just say, that was hilarious.

 

Mandell: That’s HOWIE Mandel. The comedian. I’m Howard Mandell, Chairman of the SPLC.

 

A-CNN: Yes, I see..Ok, I have here a list of recent additions the SPLC made to their “hate list.”  If we could, let’s play a sort of “word association” game. I’ll name a group and you tell me briefly why they are a “hate group.”

 

Mandell: Ok.

 

A-CNN:  The AARP.

 

Mandell: They discriminate against young and middle aged persons.

 

A-CNN: Ok. The NHL.

 

Mandell: How many African-American hockey players have you seen lately?

 

A-CNN: Hmm..not very many. Ok, The Boy Scouts.

 

Mandell: They don’t allow girls or homosexual scoutmasters.

 

A-CNN:  The Special Olympics?

 

Mandell: They discriminate against the able-bodied.

 

A-CNN: The NBA??

 

Mandell: No women.

 

A-CNN: But the NBA has the WNBA for women.

 

Mandell: Nobody watches the WNBA.

 

A-CNN: Hmm…good point. Civil War Reenactors.

 

Mandell: Half of them suit up as soldiers who fought to perpetuate slavery.

 

A-CNN: Revolutionary War Reenactors?

 

Mandell: Both sides fought for nations where slavery was legal.

 

A-CNN: The Country Music Association?

 

Mandell: No African-American singers.

 

A-CNN: What about Charley Pride?

 

Mandell: Who is Charley Pride?

 

A-CNN: Good point…The NFL?

 

Mandell: No women.

 

A-CNN: So you want to see women get injured playing football?

 

Mandell: No. Actually, if the NFL admitted women, they would still be a hate group because they would be perpetuating violence against women.

 

A-CNN: Well, at least you’re honest. Umm… MENSA?

 

Mandell: Discriminates against bright people who don’t do well on IQ tests.

 

A-CNN: Did you not get in to MENSA?

 

Mandell: Next question.

 

A-CNN: Renaissance Festivals of America?

 

Mandell: Glorifies Christian tyranny, bigotry, misogyny, religious intolerance, and economic inequity.

 

A-CNN: Hmm..ok. You must admit, though…it IS fun to dress up like a Crusader Knight and chomp on a turkey leg with a big stein of beer.

Mandell: I will not admit it.

 

A-CNN: Admit it!

 

Mandell: NO! … ok maybe a little.

 

A-CNN: Let’s see. The Tall Club?

 

Mandell: Discriminates against short people.

 

A-CNN: Ahh…actually that reminds me of that song “Short People” by Randy Newman. You probably remember that song from the 70’s. It came out just about the time you started doing stand-up.

 

Mandell: I never did stand-up! That was Howie Mandel.

 

A-CNN: It goes like this (clears throat- starts to sing):

 

Short People got no reason

To live

 

Mandell: WHAT!?

 

A-CNN:

 

They got little hands

Little eyes

They walk around

Tellin' great big lies

They got little noses

And tiny little teeth

They wear platform shoes

On their nasty little feet

 

Mandell: I….I can’t believe what I’m hearing!!

 

A-CNN:

 

          Short People are just the same

As you and I

All men are brothers

Until the day they die

(It's A Wonderful World)

 

Mandell: Whew! Ok, that’s better.

 

A-CNN: I’m not done…

 

They got little baby legs

That stand so low

You got to pick 'em up

Just to say hello

 

Mandell: AHHH! (plugs ears) That’s it! One more verse of this and A-CNN is going on the hate-list buddy! ONE MORE VERSE!! That’s a promise!

 

A-CNN: Shhh! You’re going to miss the best part…

 

They got little cars

That go beep, beep, beep

They got little voices

Goin' peep, peep, peep

They got grubby little fingers

And dirty little minds

They're gonna get you every time

Well, I don't want no Short People

'Round here!

 

Mandell: HA! You want to see something REALLY funny? A-CNN on the “HATE LIST”!! Look here, I’m writing it in my notebook as we speak, hater! (writes in notebook) It’s going on your Wikipedia page tomorrow.

 

A-CNN: Hey, I didn’t write the song. Look, here’s the video right here: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1NvgLkuEtkA

 

Mandell: (watches video) Hmm…actually kind of catchy.

 

A-CNN: (writing on note pad)

 

Mandell: What are you doing!?? Do NOT write that down!! Randy Newman and his fan club are both going on the hate-list tomorrow. You hear that Newman!!?? You’re FINISHED!

 

A-CNN: Ok, Mr. Mandell, please calm down. Back to the hate-list word-association game. The South?

 

Mandel: Ahem. (Regains composure) Yes. They are all racists.

 

A-CNN: NASCAR?

 

Mandell: Ditto.

A-CNN: Little People of America.

 

Mandell: They won’t allow tall people.

 

A-CNN: Wait a second. I thought you just said the Tall Club was a hate group because it didn’t allow short people?

 

Mandell: It is.

 

A-CNN: But now short people are a hate group because they don’t allow tall people?

 

Mandell: They are.

 

A-CNN: So if short people are haters, the SPLC should actually support Newman’s song because it is mocking a hate group.

 

Mandell: Yes….wait…..what!??

 

A-CNN: Nevermind…Let’s see. Where were we…. ah yes. The American Mustache Institute?? Why are they a hate group?

 

Mandell: They discriminate against women, children, and men who can’t grow mustaches.

 

A-CNN: Can you grow a mustache?

 

Mandell: Next question.

 

A-CNN: I see. Umm..the Black & White Film Lovers Association?

 

Mandell: All black and white movies were made during a racist, misogynistic, and patriarchal time in our history. Those who would band together to watch and preserve these movies could only have one motivation.

 

A-CNN: I see. Excellent. Well, Howie, thank you for your time and I hope the SPLC can get off of their own hate list very soon.

 

Mandell: I’m not Howie!